cat on roof

If I told you what I was going to write about, you might stop reading. Because you're not supposed to talk about it. But it's on my mind, so I'm going there. Death. Not why or yikes or sob sob sob. Just thinking about dealing with it and not dealing with it and things of that nature. Of course, this isn't random. It struck again in my world. Not up close, but that's kind of what got me thinking on these terms. I did a recap of the deaths in my life, and I realized that by the time most of the folks in my life have died, it hasn't been up close. Or better said, I haven't been up close. Maybe even so far away, that I'm afraid I've forgotten one or two, and that strikes me as a bit wrong. Or a lot wrong. Like the most wrong thing you can do when someone dies is to forget about them. Or not think of them every day. And here's the real kicker,what if they're still alive and you're not thinking of them? That seems to be the case for me quite often. Or, if I'm still thinking of them, I'm a few thousand miles away. Or it seems that way. And I've been doing this for 20 years. Now, I'm not trying to say I'm all evil or bad or ungood or anything. Maybe this is a normal way to deal with the fact that folks are going bye-bye. But except for 3 people (and most of my animals) the people I've known who have died have been far too young according to modern life spans and what would make me happy. So, though I know for sure we're all going to die, and I really think I'm okay with the concept, I'm having some trouble making sure everything is right prior to the big events. I'm not on a karma search or a heaven quest. I'm a Jew at heart. It's just that when I get the call, I'd like it if my first thought wasn't that I wish I'd stopped by one of those times when I thought about. Or that I should have seen it coming. Or that I could have gone to Alaska. Or that if I hadn't been so damn high, I could have been a better friend. Now, on one score, I think I'm doing alright. I do tell people that I love them, and not just at the end of phone calls. But how long is something like that going to last if I haven't seen you in a year or two or seven? I'm not really looking for an answer - though I do love to hear what others think - I guess I just want to put this out there so that maybe I do a better job next time. I'm not sure what that entails. I've known many many people. And I've loved a bunch of them. And people move on and away and that's real. I'm not suggesting that the answer is to call and write everyone I know weekly so that I'll feel better about myself. Stamps are really expensive, especially if you get the breast cancer ones. And I'm pretty sure if I started a crusade like that, the one person I forgot would keel over first and screw the whole thing up. And you can't always be thinking about death, especially as a motivation for life. Or at least I can't. I'm just pretty sure that more and more people I dig are going to die while the world keeps turning and I keep showing up. And I'd like it if the next time I get a call my first thought is a smile or a chuckle remembering our last silly moment. Is that too much to ask?